Thursday 5 AM

At this point, I'm aware that I have given too many at my disposal and I'm afraid that I'm taking it for granted. 

This is how I realized it, at the same time, my thought went, I have a headache, this means good, because finally my body realizing the cold and flu invasion. And then it continued, I need to put together the tab and book cover that I just bought. Oh and I need to reimburse that. And then, Dini's new clothes should be taken care of. And then, presentation for this afternoon is not done. And so on. Bagus got flu, cough and there was fever. Too many at my plate at the same time. I'm thankful but I'm overwhelmed.

5:02 PM

Stuck at the office, at my little cubicle, loving and worrying every minute of it. Please God give me Your love and strength, to embrace and to find the true meaning of all this nonsense, LOL.

Work is great, because God is there. Here in your mind and heart. In every corner of your eyesight, every beam of your thoughts. Then, now, tomorrow, and forever, hopefully.

Overwhelmed

Bismillah

Ya Allah, begitu banyak yg ingin aku bekalkan untuk anak2. Masa kecil yang kaya pengalaman dan pembelajaran, yang bahagia, yang berkah, yang memenuhi hati dan sanubari mereka akan kebesaran-Mu, akan kasih sayang-Mu.

Ya Allah, begitu banyak kekuranganku, kelalaianku, kemalasanku. Begitu besar penyesalanku dan ketakutanku. Ketakutan akan masa depan saat ini menghantuiku, ketakutan akan kecukupan.

Astaghfirullah sungguh begitu banyak nikmat-Mu yang aku dustakan. Begitu besar kasih sayang-Mu yang aku lupakan. Bawa aku mendekat-Mu ya Allah, beri aku pikiran yang lapang, hati yang lapang, jiwa dan sanubari yang jernih, yang bisa melihat ke depan, kepada kecukupan dan kasih-Mu yang tidak pernah kurang. Kepada perasaan utuh, puas, bahagia sejati yang hanya milik-Mu. Karuniakan kami sekeluarga hidup yang berkah ya Allah. Amiin.

God is generous, so I am still persistently walking

Passing week 9, semester 2 in the University of Melbourne. Sitting on campus bench since 8.30 in the morning. Typing and typing, because assignments are due. Missing my little one, which I left this morning with scrambled carrot egg and rice for her brekkie. Life is so demanding, I can hardly coupe. But God is generous, so I am still persistently walking.

Wondering how I am gonna get through the last semester. Will I ever miss Melbourne? Will I regret anything that I haven't done here? Will I live a better life back home? Life is so demanding, I can hardly coupe. But God is generous, so I am still persistently walking.

Sampai ketemu lagi di Indonesia!

The Day is coming near. The heart is racing. The anticipation is high. And the preparation still running like crazy. I have to drop many things that lately considered as unnecessary as the time is limited and the list keeps add up.

Dadah Mbah, Mpok, Tante. Dini pergi dulu nemenin Ibu kuliah. Dadah taman komplek, BP, Giant, kuda, odong-odong, ikan. Insya Allah Dini pulang 1.5 tahun lagi. Dadah Anan, Khansa, Khaisa (or whoever her real name is), Mas Fauzan. Main lagi sama Dini kalo sudah pulang ya.

Dan saya mewek.

Ahh, pengorbanan anak dimulai sejak kecil. Harus rela diangkut kemanapun ortunya nyangkut. Semoga pilihan saya tidak salah. Semoga Allah ridhoi semua. Semoga lancar semua. Semoga ridho semua. Semoga berkah. Semoga sehat semua di tanah air dan kami di negeri orang.

Sampai ketemu lagi di Indonesia!

A Lady with Lethal Combination

I am slow and lazy. Wow, I think, lethal combination for a wife and a mom who, after 12 years, is going back to the academic world. Readings, assignments, cooking, self care, child care, spouse care, household chores. Oh. My. God.

I honestly admire God's destiny that brought me here, in a top company. The journey that get me to this company sure is not easy too. Good grades, good brain, good self management too. Should be, right?

That's not the case. I am bad at self management. Very much. I delay as soon as possible and as much as I can. I even reason the delay as logical as I can. For that matter, I never learn something that I love seeing and curious about, like interior design, fashion, make up, online business, and the list keep going. Because I don't have time and always say, "Sometimes I will learn this".

All in all, I must say that my mom's prayers are the key thing that brought God's mercy to our family. God give me the chance to work in this company so that my mom's every night prayers are answered.

Pokoknya kebiasaan kaya gini harus berhenti. Nggak hilang, cuma di mute aja selama 2 tahun. Saya dan keluarga mesti survive di negara maju, di universitas top, tanpa support system, semua mesti dikerjain sendiri. Saya juga memikul nama kantor, secara segala kebutuhan pendidikan, akomodasi, kesehatan, makan, transport, you name it, dibiayain sama kantor. Malu sama allowance.

Target saya jadi manusia lebih baik. Belajar dan lulus di kampus. Dapat kerja sampingan yang menarik. Memberikan Dini akses pendidikan yang bermutu. Jadi pasangan yang baik buat Mas yang sudah rela berkorban. Bismillah ya Allah, mudahkanlah.

Persiapan ke Melbourne

Pusing. Habis sakit, kepala masih berat. Dokumen dan persiapan ke Melbourne masih berantakan. But the show must go on. Harus diurus sedikit demi sedikit. Mulai dari visa, buat rekening, cari kontrakan, segala macam. Pikiran akan ninggalin Dini dua minggu menggelayut ga mau pergi. Rasanya, bersalahh. Tapi itu yang terbaik selama Ibu cari kontrakan di Melbourne. Secepatnya kita akan bersama lagi sayang.

THAT Letter is Here. Alhamdulillah.

The offer letter. From University of Melbourne. The letter that will take me and my family to a new and challenging journey. To a life that i have been thinking of.

Oh entah sudah berapa kali terpikir oleh saya, bagaimana rasanya hidup di negeri orang. Bersama Dini, bersama Mas. Bertiga saja.

Hujan di bulan Desember selalu membangkitkan kenangan indah. Kenangan berita penerimaan Perusahaan ini untuk saya. Hari esok kenangan hujan Desember akan bertambah lagi. Bulan Desember ini Universitas mempercayai saya untuk belajar di sana.

Saya takut. Saya selalu takut memulai hal baru. Tapi antusias. Saya tak sabar berada di Melbourne. Tak sabar memperlihatkan dunia kepada Dini. Tak sabar membuktikan kepada diri sendiri bahwa saya bisa. Saya bertanggung jawab. Saya pantas.

Saya dan Dini akan menyongsong apa yang disiapkan Allah untuk kami. Kami dua perempuan penyuka keju, Ibu dan anak yang tak terpisahkan, pasangan nyanyunyu paling oke dari B8/10 dan B8/13. Kami tidak takut tantangan, tidak takut keluar dari zona nyaman. Tidak takut komentar, larangan, cemoohan, keraguan bahkan pujian dari orang. Kami akan berjalan saja di jalan ini, jalan yang sudah disiapkan Allah. Dimana pertolongan, bimbingan dan pelajaran-Nya tertanam sepanjang jalan. Bismillah. Alhamdulillah.